“Elections belong to the people. It's their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.”

I get it. There are plenty of reasons for many to not want to vote for either candidate on November 3^rd. Politicians are notoriously shady. It’s overwhelming to think about needing to take into consideration every.single.policy. There are also the constant and intrusive ads, phone calls, mailings, emails, social media posts ripping on the opposition. Sometimes it is difficult to remember what you even think about it all because it is so in your face causing chaos. Things are said and done that are honestly seem so far above the blue collar middle class citizen’s realm, what does it all even mean and how does it affect me anyway? Dealings with Russia, China. What is the purpose of Nancy Pelosi and Mitch Mc Connell other than obvious drama when either of their names are mentioned? Sometimes I actually felt a little timid, perhaps embarrassed for not knowing or having an explanation for every detail, question, or oppositions retort, I still do. I’m not as knowledgeable as Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but thank goodness for her expertise and voice to have eloquently fought for me and others when our feeble minds fell short in getting the point across.

It’s actually really easy to throw in a towel in regards to the whole system of voting and politics. It can leave a bad taste. Why is Rudy Giuliani involved in all of this, shouldn’t he just remain the man who gave New York City and effectively our country hope in a time of great tragedy? Why is this all so in our face? Why does everything feel rushed and pushy? What is going on with the Supreme Court?  Seriously, why are there so many people involved with their own opinions holding everything up?  It seems like it is all just going to keep gathering in this clogged toilet and get stuck regardless because there are way too things in the way. It’s exhausting. It’s annoying.

When I was first registered to vote in a presidential race, it was between Al Gore and George W. Bush. I didn’t vote, primarily because I was in this college bubble where I didn’t understand politics, voting, etcetera and slightly shamefully now, didn’t really care. I believe I registered only because it asked me if I wanted to be on a license renewal form. I also don’t recall a lot of hype around voting at my school. There was Rock the Vote, from MTV, but it all kind of felt unrelatable to me. There wasn’t as many resources for me, the young voter, and I didn’t seek them out on my own. I really didn’t know enough about any of it to feel informed, and I would like to say that’s why I didn’t vote, still not a strong reason, but that’s not true. I simply was young and uneducated in all of that. And so when you’re a wee bit ignorant to the fact that whomever is in office will affect you and you just want to have fun, well then you end up not voting.  I didn’t even think twice about it. My mindset was more than likely, no harm, no foul.

To be honest, had I voted, it more than likely would have been for George Bush because that is who my family was going to vote for, he was a Republican. End of discussion. In my head it went like this: we go to church, you go to a Christian college, your parents will vote republican, you then are a Republican. To be fair, and in my young defense, I still do straddle party lines on some issues. I am certain that when needed to be lumped in a category, many would place me in the Liberal Feminist Democrat pool, but I’m not sure I am completely that. It is simply that for some time now, specifically the last 4 elections, my views and opinions seem to have better aligned with who was running for the Democratic Party. I know that’s confusing, if my stance is that, then I am that. Not necessarily.  I just am not a one issue voter, perhaps not even two if I’m being honest. I also take a lot into consideration when choosing to support a certain candidate and running mate.  I am also a really a huge judge of character. With that being said, I typically always have an open mind, I believe in grace, forgiveness, hard work towards change. Lord knows I have needed my own fair share. I put my trust in those that I find most worthy. However,  I also don’t just form these opinions off of one or two incidents positive or negative.  And I also understand, that in many cases in politics, it’s choosing the lesser of two evils. And you shouldn’t not vote for a person just because you heard they are not a nice person. The opposition feeds this to you on a silver platter and wants you to believe that. They fight dirty. I encourage you to form your own opinions, and then vote with your gut. Who’s character is something that you relate most with? Who do you have the most trust in to lead this country to a place you are content with? Do your research. Politicians aren’t always the greatest moral examples of what I would consider a good person, but also there is massive amounts of untruths flying around out there, especially now, to go along with the facts. Consider all of this. You can fact check into the wee hours, I promise, it can be entertaining, plenty of credible sources are doing the hard work for you, google away.

 Not surprisingly, could seem cliché, but what piqued my interest in anything political was Oprah Winfrey. I was a hardcore Oprah Winfrey Show watcher and everyone knew it. I used to run on a treadmill in the weight room at my college, and it was well known that I came to run daily from 4 to 5 pm and was taking over the television to watch Oprah. This was before the time of blue tooth and multiple tvs in a gym and so every guy in there that was lifting weights and looking at themselves in the mirror, was also going to be listening or watching Oprah by default with me. I did my civic duty. I’m also not sure why I got a say in what was on the television or not, but I tend to think that anyone who is going to run on a treadmill for sixty minutes straight can make that call. Regardless, one episode featured a then senator from Chicago. Prior there wasn’t a politician that I found interesting to listen to. There wasn’t issues that they discussed that seemed important to me or something that I too could have an opinion on. Like I said, I didn’t think any of it pertained to me. Remember, bubble. However, I was fixated on their discussion. After the episode concluded and for quite some time after when anything political came up in conversation, I continued to discuss him, many times simply stating that if that man, Barack Obama, were to ever run for president, I was voting for him. He didn’t once lend himself to that option in the show, he just talking with Oprah about current social and political issues. It didn’t occur to me that him being a black man was of any significance because I was again, ignorant. However, with this new found interest, and with a bachelor’s degree under my arm in social work, I became more and more aware of injustice, equality, humanity, unequal rights, and I wanted to hear from more and more people, like Barack Obama, in leadership positions that were seemingly like-minded.

I am no activist. My ‘platform’ is social media. My service goes to those in my home, community, and raising stable, wise, well-loved and informed kids with my baby's daddy. However, what I have learned is that I am not alone in my thoughts. Despite coming from a conservative Christian upbringing and schooling, there have been many in the Christian community that share similar views and opinions to my own. I don’t find it that I am manipulating those beliefs to fit my politics, I find it making a clear and conscious decision based upon what I find just, true, and fair. You can argue with me about it, or you can just respect it, like I you. I’ve gone around in circles plenty of times, not really my thing. I also find there is a little bit of grounds I can stand on being that I am just about 42 and am good with where I am at right now in regards to the subject of whom I will cast my vote for. I am simply imploring you to find your own ground, and for crying out loud, stand on it, and then vote to keep it.

Clearly, I cast my ballot for Barack Obama as my first presidential vote. I felt confident and solid in this decision and his platforms. Did I agree with all the 'blue'  policies he stood for, no, however, those issues that I found most personal and important to me, he aligned better with. Please, please do not be a one issue voter. Also, please take into consideration that there is not one perfect human candidate to represent and lead this country, it is impossible. Those saying, ‘I don’t like either candidate, so I’m not voting,’ is a little on the ignorant side of things. I did not call you ignorant, I just perhaps think it seems a little ignorant to not vote because your perfect candidate isn’t running. I’m not sure that person exists. Educate yourself in those issues and characters that best suit you, your family, your kids, your friends, your workplace, your community, so on and so forth.

Obviously, me casting my vote for Barack Obama is my political success story. It was historic.  I did my homework, casted my vote, and Obama was president…times two. Of course then being in this victorious position in regards to voting, one might think, I know my shit, clearly the best candidate won and I helped put him there…I know my policies and we are moving in the right direction as a nation, and my vote was heard. Ummm, no. I was, and am still just a wee little baby when it comes to all things that go on in Washington DC that affect our nation. I am not Olivia Pope, and I need to sit on down. Things are constantly changing…laws, policies, social issues, the economy, hot topics…it literally is overwhelming to take it all into consideration and keep up. I GET IT.

It is easy to say no pick is a good pick, that they are only out for personal gain, it doesn’t matter what I think, F the system, the don’t care about the little people, just corporate America. HOWEVER. People actually died for you to have that right. I sound really patriarchal when I say that, but it is so true. They gave us the power to be heard. Who is president affects your quality of life, not only yours, but if you have children in your life, it affects them even more.  What do you place in high regard that best suits your way of life? When put like that, it sounds selfish to not take a stand. Don’t have kids? You have friends, neighbors, family. What do you think is best for them, and what candidate best represents this? Do you like having health insurance? Do you want it to be more affordable if you have it or not? Education, this is HUGE if you have kids. Affordability, equality, quality. Speaking of equality, how about human equality, do you like the way things are or do you expect more? Social Services. Women’s Rights. Taxes. Immigration. I could go on and on. And I find it impossible to believe that no one has issues that they want to protect or change.

I’m not going to tell you it’s a cop out not to vote. However, voting is fundamental. I won’t even tell you here who I think you should or who I am voting for. I’m sure you can assume, high five, but I just ask that you consider your vote and your voice. There are countless people all over the world that would and have given up so much for just this one freedom you have. You have a golden ticket. Use it. Use it for your kids. Use it for your family. Use it for your community. Your neighbor. Your friend.

I encourage you to find your own sources that provide you understanding and clarity as to why you are voting the way YOU ARE PERIMITTED TO! Mine was Barack Obama. I found him inspirational, hopeful, and genuinely invested in the well-being of all Americans. Since first hearing him speak, I have done a lot of reading, research, observation, and discussing, but do not let that not overwhelm you. You can completely disagree with me, and that is ok so long as you are informed as to why you don’t.  You can easily access all the hot topics surrounding this election, as well as those issues that are important and pertain to you, by just hitting up google and reading some articles from credible sources.  

There is so much going on right now that is centered around equality and standing up for what our population find true and just for the American people. Voting is the easiest and most powerful non-violent action you can do for those rights that you find imperative to our nation as a whole, do not pass on this opportunity. Go stand in line with your fully charged smart phone and a warm cup of coffee and feel good about the fact that you are standing up for something, anything, by casting this vote. Get your sticker, take a selfie, and go home and get ready to tune into George Stephanopoulos on November 3rd, you’re in good company.

5 Resilient Children.

Before I even had kids, I knew that I was going to have 5 of them. Probably a great deal breaker for any serious suitors, I'm sure. 'Hey so um, you should know before this goes further, I'm pretty sure I plan on having 5 kids and this water ice is really great and all, but you don't seem like you could handle all that, so....'  I actually really never had a conversation like that, but perhaps might have if necessary. Fortunately, the man I married was completely blinded by my intelligence, wit, and beauty that 5 kids was a simple request. No, that really didn't happen either, but he didn't object to having a large family, and so here we are. At one point we were really struggling with infertility and loss, and even through that, I still just knew I was going to be a mom of 5, just the path to getting there wasn't that clear. And now that we arrived about 2.5 years ago to that number, I'm settled. He would probably have more, but then he would need to find another Baby Mama, because that's not going to happen with this one. I'm good, therefore so is he, which really sums up a marriage doesn't it?

Similar to knowing that I was going to be a mom of  5, what I also knew that I was not going to be a homeschooling mom of 5. I certainly thought about it at one nostalgic point and then was like, 'yeah, naw, I'm good, there is people with degrees that are paid to do this.' I also did think about it for a hot minute a second time as an option for my resident introvert. I suppose that it was more then a minute, I did wrestle with it for a few years on and off. Academically, he would soar if home schooled, it would all be above my head and require a lot of additional resources, but he would more then likely rise up to more challenges on his course load. However, socially, I would be doing him a huge disservice. And before you get all upset, I do realize that homeschooling children are very well socialized, however, I felt like he needs even more then just that. He needed to be pushed socially outside of a controlled environment to learn to basically be outside of his comfort zone. Sometimes, it's really difficult for a Mom's heart, but I know in order for him to succeed he needs to be ok in an environment that isn't always his preferred place to be. And he isn't bullied, he has a slew of friends, people love to be around him, he just would prefer to be home, and will probably always be like that. At the end of the day, he will always just want to go home. And it is also really endearing. But he also will need to leave the home daily throughout his entire life, and he will need to go places that aren't his preferred place to be, and so, he goes to school. I couldn't even come close to providing what he will gain and experience by leaving home daily and going to school, which once again proves, I need not be a homeschooling mom. I am here, waiting for him at home, to provide that safety net he needs at the end of the day.

And yet, after all that thought and debate, here we are; 3 months into 'homeschooling' my children. But I'm really not. For the most part my kids are having school online, at home. They get up in the morning, sit in their designated areas, and they complete their work. And I shouldn't ever be complaining, the teachers have it all set up for them, they make the lesson plans, I'm like their tour guide throughout the day. If I email a teacher, they are typically getting back to me fairly quickly. They are the real heroes when it comes to my kids academic successes right now. But how it differs from home schooling is that I am not picking their curriculum. I am not well versed in everything that they are studying. Reading and writing? All over it. But typically, when a question comes at me I have to either go through the recesses of my brain to either attempt to help them, I have to rely on google, or I have to email their teachers and go back and forth until it makes sense. In any occasion, it usually takes some time, time on top of my normal responsibilities in a huge family. So our day, with me as their questionably trusty tour guide, has me leading them through a forest that I admittedly might not know the way through. I am not a homeschooling, I am helping them navigate a path already designed. Some days we reach the promised land, others we are sitting in a swamp with no fresh water.

I readily admit there are times when I want to say, 'just skip it...lets not do this one...lets not have school at all today.' My kids are better then me and this isn't an option for them. Where do they get this from...I suppose it is our parenting...but it's only because of the pre pandemic parenting. Pandemic Parenting is a train wreck.  I cannot pinpoint what makes them march on in the midst of their leader being lost, I have zero advice for you if your kid doesn't want to comply with this online curriculum thing. I just say, 'mine just do it.'  It sounds really pretentious, but the truth is...I provide them with outs, I let them know it's ok, this is a weird time, we aren't going to always have the right answer or know how to do something, and sometimes I will just say, 'I will email the teacher, we aren't doing this because we don't know how.'  WE ARE LOST!!! MAYDAY !!! WHERE ARE THE FIRE STICKS ?!?!? WE NEED TO ABORT THIS MISSION!!!

 And here they are making me look like the worst mom ever...'can you just email the teacher...can you take a minute and see if you can remember how to do it...can you look it up online how to do it while I work on something else....Mom, here's some water, a granola bar, and you're phone, we can do this. Here's me still... 'Guys...please....can we take a break...can we have a skip day...I don't know algebra, please just ask your younger brother...coding...please just get a C in the class and don't do it, I don't care, I'm, not Steve Jobs... I don't want to work through spanish dialouge can you go to google translate, we can't even travel, we don't need to speak Spanish!!!' No. The answer is always no. They are so annoying.

So as you can see, it is all me, I lack the self discipline to do homeschooling.

There is a glimmer of distraction and rebellion among the pack. There is one that makes me feel a little better with my lack of enthusiasm and gusto; the 10 year old. He occasionally needs some prompting to keep chugging along. He likes to get side tracked and I will find him outside on the trampoline when he was supposed to take the workbook back to his desk and complete the assignment. The trampoline being in the back corner of our property, the desk being on our third floor, this was clearly more then side tracked, but I get it. As you have read, I clearly get it. However, even with all this distraction and lack luster motivation on some days, at the end of every day, if all the assignments aren't submitted with a comment back from his teacher about how awesome he is, its a complete meltdown and there's some panic and a last minute push to persevere. 

Oh!  However, there was this one time we did blatantly skip a gym assignment. He was to dance, and record himself dancing. I read the assignment and panicked immediately fearing the end of the day meltdown over not wanting to dance. I mean you could tell him to walk across hot coals and record himself doing that and he would be looking for the lighter to start the fire for the coal at 7 am. Record himself dancing? Yeah, that was going to be the straw that broke him. He does dance, if we don't make eye contact with him while he is doing it, and they are mostly fortenite related moves, but he is not going to bust a move for his gym teacher, and have it recorded and out there, somewhere. He was then subsequently anxious the entire day. I gave him permission to just skip this assignment, and then I scurried away to avoid the storm of defeat that I thought would hit. I heard nothing. So I then emailed the teacher and said, 'there is no way I am getting Jake to dance, we aren't dancing.'  And then it hit me. I, in turn,  felt the anxiety of the skipped assignment. Because that is how I roll. Parent/Teacher conferences I feel are a direct reflection of my skills as a Mom. I can talk a big talk, tell them to skip the assignments, and then I'm all, 'they aren't getting into college, and they will not hold jobs, and it will be all my fault.'  He didn't dance and I didn't push him to get over his insecurities about it, I am the worst, how will he even survive in Middle School!?!? But then nothing happened, as is typical with nonsensical anxiety. He didn't have to dance. But in the big picture, thank God they just do the work, and do it really well, because their mother, Lord help her.


This is all not to say that my children are perfect little cherubs in the midst of this pandemic. I honestly think they do their school work because of the lack of anything else to do. I'm also not saying they sit down and whistle while they work. It's challenging. I give them credit, they are pretty resilient. What I am saying is that they are better then me. And for the most part, I suppose that is what your goal is as a parent, for them to be better then you. 

I am realizing it takes a pandemic to notice a lot of things...like the people I live with are complete slobs. What I am also seeing is a silver lining, my kids are resilient, and they can actually function academically with much better success then their parents ever have or would have if in the same circumstances. Do I want to go outside right now and have myself recorded while running through an obstacle course my kid had to set up for gym class...no...but they are such show boats that I will look like a complete moron if I don't.

So 5 kids...yup.

Homeschooling them...nope.

The up and coming kindergartner is going to have to move in with a mom that is better then me at this home school gig if we are still home next year...or she is surely never graduating high school...any takers?

Pandemic Post III

Being in quarantine in the US, in a small town with essentials merely a walk away, in a home with a yard, is privilege, I get it. But, I can only write from what I know, and this is it...I am quarantined with 5 kids and a working from home husband.

It has only been 2 months, only, I know, that can be a long time for some. However, when you are a family that is so busy that you blink and it's 3 years later, 2 months is nothing. 2 months is like 24 hours to us. Typically. Right now though, St. Patrick's Day feels like it was a decade ago. Easter? 5 years has passed since Easter, you cannot convince me otherwise. The days go fast though, another weird phenomenon about time in the midst of this. But in all honesty, does clocks, time in general really matter right now? My 14 year old took a shower at 1 am last week, I know this because I was switching loads of laundry and watching the new season of Workin Moms like it was 8 pm on a Tuesday. We had a conversation like we normally do, like it wasn't the early morning of the next day. People keeping routines in this, you are aliens to me. Which by the way, there are UFO's, and who cares, in fact, I'm just a little envious of them, I bet they are business as usual up there in Alien Land.


It has been raining. People are complaining it has been raining so much, it is spring in the northeast, this is what little calendar rhymes are made of. And I feel like the rain was a little bit of a blessing in this. Did we really want to spend those initial weeks that we were panic stricken, spraying lysol on even the plants, with the sun shining and it 70 degrees outside? We would all be dead right now, I don't know how Hawaii did it. All I know is that here, in Bucks County Pennsylvania, when it is nice out, you immediately need to gather. 60 degrees and sunny and we are in shorts and flip flops, having a barbecue pretending we aren't  freezing our asses off, and just need to put on a sweatshirt, because its over 55 degrees and not raining. I feel like the rain was our barrier, because we act like children when the weather gets nicer, and the rain was all...'you will not go off this porch, and play with your friends.' We got super excited in the last two weeks with some sun and just right cool breezes, and then to crush that, a snow squall, at 3 pm on a Saturday, in May...basically just a reminder,'get your asses back across the street and on your couch, you idiot.' Facebook went wild with people letting us know it had snowed, we know, we had planned a birthday parade and everyone had to wear their winter coats and mittens.

 I don't know what we would do without Facebook. My favorite right now is when people say they are taking a break from it, because of all the negativity or its a distraction. They say their farewells like they are embarking on some great journey across the Atlantic, and within 2 hours they are commenting on the photo someone posted of their banana bread. I guess it's really not my favorite, but maybe it has now transformed into a pet peeve, and you can say, that's really stupid you get hostile about people on Facebook...listen, I no longer have children on the opposite team of one of my son's to taunt on a Saturday afternoon, this is it, good for you Nancy that you found another hobby, but I cannot get past stupid people right now on Facebook. And a distraction!?!?! From what? Why do you have no time right now? But it's like watching a giant zit being popped on youtube when people make these pronouncements;  you don't want to watch it, but you do, but no, but you do...this is me with Facebook. Here's the sanity marker though, even though I want to reply...'I call BS.,' when someone says they are taking a break and needs all the goodbyes and how someone they haven't spoken to from high school will miss them, I don't say anything. I just like to smirk when they like a photo 15 minutes later. That's right, I said it, it's my new hobby. Maybe pathetic, but really what would you like me to do right now?

Speaking of Facebook and pet peeves, another I have is of people posting passive aggressive posts that people post that are meant to be a dig...but no, they need to look innocent...its just a screen shot of a quote they liked, there was no underlying intention...OK Sheila. Girl you don't need to share backhanded posts from others on Facebook, Karma runs its course. Just know when I am watching my 13 year old taking his typing test to be, 'sure he doesn't look down,' I'm laughing, and feel free to laugh at me too, I need it. You maybe think it is me that needs the break, but this is quarantine. And one last thing on Facebook, because now I'm on a roll...the posts from those that think they are going to change the opinions of others by their post...you mean to tell me more people died from the flu in the United States in 2018 then from the Corona Virus? An entire year of people dying versus 2 months...tell me your ways, math wizard. When people post things like this, that are so absurd, do you they know they look absurd? Can someone anonymously answer this for me? Or do they really think that this one post on a Thursday afternoon is going to bring, let's say, me, a new perspective...like, 'hmmmm...he is so spot on, I'm totally going to support Trump now.' I would say, when hell freezes over, but with the way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised, so best wishes to everyone who has ever used that phrase.

Comparatively speaking, my life really hasn't changed that much. I make myself sound like a hermit, but I am a stay at home mom. There are days on end, I don't go anywhere without having to quarantine. Sure, I am running kids to and from practices and school, but I'm not actually missing very much. I don't miss taking kids to the store with me, this I know is true. This will go on forevermore. No more kids coming with me. I want to say its because I will always be cautious in regards to the virus, and bringing them is just upping our chances of exposure because they touch everything and occasionally roll around on the floor of any given aisle, but really, its the best part of this whole thing, no one can come with me. I am the essential shopped taking one for the team...that and alone...and of course because I only trust myself to follow proper precautions.

Am I an introvert? To some extent, for sure. I like to say I'm and introverted extrovert. So this isn't that uncomfortable to me. I miss my people. I miss my kids people because they need that socialization. But there always was an end time to me, a time to go decompress. I don't really ever outright admit that, but I am not like let's say my husband; parties do come to an end, do not have to happen daily. Sometimes I think I would be ok on a 10 day vacation by myself or just with  those I know I wouldn't want to push into traffic upon reaching our destination.  This change came about mostly when I had kids, but also I think its also because I just like to be comfortable. So, with those people I find in my comfy zone,  I am an extrovert. I also don't have a lot of time in normal circumstances, and I don't want to waste it being uncomfortable at a place I don't want to be, with people I wouldn't otherwise be with just for the sake of being out or with other people. Just because it's the birthday party of the wife of the friend my husband golfs with, doesn't mean I have or want to go. Those situations are the absolute worst to me. It makes me sound snotty, and in all honesty, I don't care, this is middle age people. I am here speaking my truth.

In many aspects, those who have kids are living the life of the stay at home mom who is an introverted extrovert, without  the added responsibility of being an uber driver. The biggest disadvantage to the stay at home mom right now is that we are on 24/7 even more so then we once were. I have zero excuses to not be on demand, unless of course I got the virus, and then of course everyone here would perish. I cannot yell, 'Leave me alone, I am on a zoom!!!!' I mean, I suppose I could, but no one would really care because I don't have privacy when I sit on the toilet. I was just discussing the responsibilities of the different branches of government with my pants around my ankles this morning. So let's all be grateful that I not employed by anyone right now for the survival of my family and those I might have a Zoom call with. The only privacy I get is when I am out risking my life and infection being the essential shopper.

In normal circumstances I regain my sanity while I send the majority out into the world for the greater part of the day.  I have 3.5 kids at school, one was in preschool, one in elementary, and two in middle school,  and  then I take responsibility one grown ass man that goes to work daily as well. My previous requirements were to prepare these people to be away from me and then to be available for these people if they and when they needed me while away from me. I was then left with 1.5 child or 2 on any given day, for the most part and one still naps. This equated some me time. Present circumstances result in that me time not existing any longer. There is someone in my personal space and needing me at all hours. Example, the 14 year old at 1 am.

 Food is the number one priority here for all of them, and I know damn well that they don't get to eat all day at school and work. People in my house are like grazing sheep in a field right now. I am a short order cook at a diner for 2 meals a day, the house's private chef at dinner, and then dietary service director, making snacks readily available, all day and night. God forbid there are not snacks. And I just this week admitted that I feel like everyone is sometimes just in the way. Things don't stay clean. Who cares? WHO CARES!?!?! I do. The Little Red Hen does. I literally walk the same clean up and sanitize circle daily in my house. I'm pretty sure you will soon see the worn path I follow reveal itself in the floor like a path in the woods. On a normal day, when 4.5 of them are out of the house, my home will stay pretty clean, add in after school activities, we are talking pretty orderly as well. It's just who I am. I need some order with a few closets in the house piled with crap, it's fine, I can shut the door. I have anxiety, so therefore my closets are stuffed with the things I don't want to deal with and then can now, not see. In a normal day I am hollering at my children to put away their things, and tossing lunch bags and cleats toward the direction of where they belong...now I am literally cleaning up after what looks like the aftermath of frat party, daily, if not 3 times daily. Teach your kids to clean you say. Have you allowed a kid to clean? This is not clean. Standards and expectations people. I have none when it comes to how my children will clean.Well then there's my standards and expectations. Full circle.

So this is where I am today in this pandemic. More tomorrow.

Quaratine: The Beginning

I decided to blog again at the beginning of quite the international pandemic leaving us in quarantine. Not really on purpose, I just wanted to write again and decided to start the week before last, and then this rolled into town.

 I guess this is a great way to pass the time, write, but preferably not with a child hanging from my head that has been stuck inside for too long and has lost all touch with reality.

Some people are saying it started with a man in China who ate an infected bat. So that’s what I tell my kids as the reason why they stuck at home for an amount of time no one seems to know for certain. Someone decided to eat a bat. Perhaps his mother didn’t tell him to, so here I am, letting them know, don’t eat bats, or any wild animal for that matter. Let’s just stick to farm raised meat. They aren’t saying, or don’t know who patient zero is, but it’s probably for the best since people hold extreme hatred for the man that caught the ball from the stands of some baseball game by dangling over the wall. I’m not even sure that he really ate the bat, what I am saying is that I’m doing my motherly duty of using the fear tactic so that my kids don’t mix themselves with infected wild animals in China. You just never know where life will take you, so its best to be prepared.

We are one week into a quarantine. It’s as if time and date don’t even exist anymore. I went back and forth trying to determine what day it was a few days ago, or maybe it was just a few hours ago, I don’t know anymore. We sleep when we are tired and eat when we are hungry. We are going down like a sinking ship; order needs to be restored. What’s of even more important of a reason to get it together is that our supplies are dwindling. It’s become apparent that now, since the people I live with are home all day, their need for snacks on the hour has been made their top priority. I know for a fact they don’t eat all day at school, work, and all that we run around and do after, it’s time to get this place under control.

Outside of all that is going on within these walls, it’s almost as if perhaps the rapture happened. But I call my mom, and she still answers, so I know I’m still good. You worry about those things at a time like this. Apocalypse? Is everyone really just inside their homes? Who is making certain?

In the past week I have rode on this roller coaster of COVID. I will be doing ok, distracted even, and then something comes up across something I’m looking at and it’s the rise up the hill of panic and before I know it, I’m up over the edge and cruising down the other side, the bucket of diluted bleach is out and I’m not ok until every surface has been swiped. Every surface. I chased the kids around with Lysol disinfectant spray until I ran out yesterday. And then I am back down at the bottom of the hill, ‘let’s play BINGO guys!’  I also then do this thing in these moments where I’m not going to peek at what is going on with the virus; the rise of cases, its proximity to our family, and then it’s just a real quick peek, and….here we go on up again, and just as fast flying back down top speed wondering if this slight cough and chest pressure is me going under. Turns out for now its inhaling too much bleach and anxiety. So then I’m laughing at memes, ripping around the fast turns, cruising right along. But before too long, I start getting so frustrated with our present leader and just how he talks, for the love of God, somebody just tell him to shut up, and what is with the orange skin and the white around his eyes, that’s not even tanning bed… is Melania looking into this, Ivanka? Sometimes I just want to scream and shout and just kick things when he is talking. How do reporters just stand there, I would be doing my in frustration sound/scream and stomping through the press room, kicking folding chairs over on my way out. Stop telling us we are going to defeat this and it’s going to be the greatest thing ever… can we just work on masks and gloves please? Barack…Michelle…even George W. at this point. Anyone else feel like this is all the beginning of a reenactment of the 10 plagues? My sister just texted me yesterday about lice being detected in my nephew’s school prior to the closure. So help me. Now I’m going to need to purge all the stuffed animals. Someone make this carnival and its roller coaster end.

Anyone else grow up going to church and now have, ‘Pharaoh, Pharaoh,’ stuck in their head, as well as remember every motion to it?

My hands are raw. They are raw from all the washing. I wash my hands 2473058435 times a day and then I wash two toddlers hands, which is also my hands again, 84309545 times. Then I’m not near a sink, and I know I touched lots of things, and so I use the sanitizer, on my raw hands. Brilliant. The pain. It’s unreal, and then it’s a portrayal of my press room tantrum in real life, on my sidewalk.  I just read people are showing up at emergency rooms with sores from all the hand washing. It’s either this or the virus that’s taking me in people.

But it is nice. It is nice being with the people I chose to live with, in my space and face all day long. Someone in this house today just said in reference to the littlest sisters, ‘why are they freaking out so much!?! Mom, you need to do something about that!’ I don’t know, perhaps it’s because on most days they only see you all 3 maybe 4 hours tops, and here you all are 16 hours a day involved in what was their daily routine, that is now a skeleton of what it once was, and they have no idea why. I mean I want to curl up in a ball and cry, so let’s give those under 5 a little slack. But let’s also rewind and go back to when you just told me about how to do my job…first off…

Tonight, for dinner we had spaghetti with a meat sauce. A member of this family actually sat down at the table, in the midst of a quarantine, where a governor just made an announcement to live off only the essentials, to shelter in place unless its for supplies that are essential or an emergency, of whom we just went over it and explained it all over again to this person because they are a teenager now, and this person just sat down and asked like we instead told them tomorrow’s weather forecast…’where’s the salad and fresh bread?’ Thank the Lord above I can now say as an explanation to all future moments like this, ‘don’t mind them, they are children of the Quarantine.’

This is how it’s going.

On Chestnut

The Home:

We have 5 children and 2.75 pets, in an old home, on Chestnut.

I will more then likely always write in first person, the main pronouns being, 'I'. However, when I feel the need to throw someone else under the bus, include them in my demise, make it clear I am not the only one responsible, recognize and give credit where credit is due, I will use 'we.' Thank you for the material, I am so glad and grateful I have, we's.

I have 5 children; girl, boy, boy, girl, girl.

The oldest has been a raging teenager since the day she learned she had a voice. She is now an official teenager, and in fact, my greatest accomplishment. However, in all her teenage glory, she has no concept of clutter, or should I say order. She survives on junk food. In a combination of these last two statements, right now, she has a donut box haphazardly dangling off the top of her trash can. Some might choose a larger trash can to dispose of this box, some might just empty it all into a trash bag, and at the very least toss the bag into the hall. Not this girl. She in fact would still have the box at the foot of her bed had I not demanded she get rid of it. It is one of my life’s purposes to ensure she can function in society, this is occasionally touch and go, as one of the only things she knows how to ‘cook’, is frozen French fries and hot pockets. However, despite all this outrageous sass, and disorder, she pulls out phenomenal grades in school. I’m not even sure how she does it. Kid is studying Spanish and I’ve never heard even an Hola out of her mouth, yet her grade is 113%. Perhaps she has intel on all her middle school teachers and they know it, I’m not certain, but we will take it, and hope for a future as a Spanish speaking spy. So as with any teenager, she is a mess, she is assertive, she has zero concept of time or money, she relies heavily on snap chat for basic survival, she is the boss, and she needs a ride to her friend’s house right now, so stop what you are doing, let’s go, she cannot be late… to sit on her friends floor and do nothing.

The other teenager we have is the introvert. He literally would live the life of a turtle if given the option, and carry his home with him everywhere we go. He sticks his neck out for soccer and once in awhile I can talk him into something, but for the most part, he loves home. He seems to be the wisest of the bunch, and so instead of the back talk many teenagers seem to coin, he drips with sarcasm. My line more often than not to him when this comes out is, ‘Boy do I look amused right now with your wit?’ Truthfully, I am probably really am very mush amused, as sarcasm is my love language, but I can’t let him on to me until at least the age of 21. He is everyone’s best friend in this house, being extremely reliable and loyal. He is an observer and reserved. I feel like every family needs that level head, he is ours. I can often be found protecting his heart and explaining things to him differently than the others because he processes everything with a bit more thought and feeling. But he’s stubborn. Picture a comic with the person pulling a donkey by a lead, exacerbated, and the donkey just digging his hooves in, the sand and pressure into it going deeper, but the donkey not moving. This is my son, the donkey.

We then have an almost 10 year old. I make up and actually say reasons for his antics…this is how a normal boy would act…he is just 9, let him be 9…he is the middle child, let him hang from the rafters for a little bit longer. Truth is, I really have no idea. He teeters that line daily of too much and just enough. But I tell you what, he is so much fun. You need a good time, he delivers. You need a wing man, he’s on it. You need someone to go first, he’s 500 feet ahead. He is the epitome of a younger brother, consistently nudging. However, if you take time to notice, he only puts that time of nudging into people who he truly wants to give attention to. If you are in a room with him and he ain’t pestering you, forget about any sorts of adventures with him. Yet he is sensitive and tries so very hard to do what is right, he just wants so much for what is right to also be fun. However, I am also not naïve, come his teenage and college years…this boy. But right now, I will take his fits of laughter, his endearing smile that wins me over, and him causing absolute chaos during the time of day where I need it the least, because everyone needs to be reminded to just be a kid. This one is also the most athletic. Give him a sport, he will know how to play it and know how to play it well. Perhaps even one more notch up then athleticism, he just sees and understands the games, which is similar to his older brother. I don’t know how they know it, but they know it. This kids also knows what is supposed to happen and how to do it during a game.  When he plays I am mostly watching is nonchalant facial expressions and attitude like, ‘well I know what to do, are you going to help me do it?’ This is where he forgets that his teammates are also just 9 years old as well, his father also needs this memo.

There is then a 5 year age gap.

And then the most even-tempered child I could have ever given birth to. She is quite similar in demeanor to her eldest brother, but so far there is no donkey in her and she is definitely not an introvert. She is mild mannered and thoughtful. Her patience with me and her younger sibling is off the charts. The most simple things bring her much joy. I suppose that much of this comes with just being 4, however, as her Mama, I also know that this is her heart, and I think these characteristics are here to stay. It’s almost with the age gap like I was given the gift to do it all over again. My oldest 3 gaining independence and their footing getting more certain, and it’s almost as if I made a public declaration that this would be too much for me to bear, that I needed to feel it all more, and then arrived this girl. So here I am again, in my 40’s at playgrounds and play dates, disciplining for tantrums in a store, and watching Disney movies on repeat, all thanks to her. She runs so quirky, and she confuses so many things, but she just keeps plugging away. She talks incessantly, INCESSANTLY. She repeats herself times infinity. She has a quota to fill each day of questions asked. I hope it never goes away. When asked if she will play soccer like the others, she declares, NO! She will be a dancer. She is then in that moment my favorite; little does she know how tight, slick, and high her Mama can get a bun.

And then lastly. This 2 year old. She is the truest example of, ‘joke’s on you.’ I wanted one more. I wanted a buddy for the now 4 year old, I have always had a mama intuition that she needed a comrade in the family since they day she was born.  It’s not crystal clear why this wild one was sent as the buddy, but I will keep you posted. So it is with no surprise when I type that this child, my last born, this girl takes it next level. She’s a buddy alright, a buddy that is also the boss. You can observe our family for 2 minutes and figure out that, boop, boop, boop, there are 3 individuals that think they rule the roost, and that the biggest boss is this one. She don’t like it, you’re gonna know. She don’t wanna do it, you’re gonna know. She wants you to do it, you’re gonna know. She don’t like how you did it, you’re gonna know. She does not care where she is and who is watching, she is gonna let everyone know. Her oldest sister pales in comparison to this broad. She has a head full of crazy curls, a missing tooth from when she bopped her mouth on a step, she has a walk that is heavy footed, and a smirk that clears the way. You can discipline this child all you want, and she is still going to fight for that last holler or foot stomp, she don’t care. She’s ruthless. But like her one older brother, she is silly. She is always looking for the fun. There is 6.5 years between them, but when these two come together, all I can use to describe it is that its wild, and they feed off it and each other. They are going to get into a lot of what they shouldn’t be, but at least they will be together and have older siblings to drag them back in line.  Despite all her unruly ways, she is so cute. She is determined. She loves to   snuggle in tight. She adores her siblings, and it’s a good thing, because as they attempt to reign her in, she will surely be kicking and screaming, as she has already demonstrated, but it will always be followed up by the usual, 'I love you.'

My co creator of all these kids and I have been married for just about 19 years. Give or take. We began dating in 1998. I think we are starting to look like each other, that, or resemble the dog. He has been my life’s work because he and I, as it turns out, are completely different. As time has gone on, I think we are even more different but even more so aware of it, which is our saving grace. The fact that we know we are mostly opposites and accept it is probably our strongest relationship adhesive. At 40, I am now just settled into the person I think I just am and will be. I will probably get louder, because as a woman I think that naturally happens as we age. We start to peel off the things that held us back, that we were afraid of or questioned about ourselves and our relationships, and just speak our truths. So with that, one of my first self realization,  acceptance,  and loudish stance was that I am an extroverted introvert, married to and extroverted extrovert. Yes, it’s exhausting. I’m sure I will share on that a bit more as time goes on. Yet, I know for certain that he is my person, he is incredible at providing me, and our kids with unconditional love. He stands firm in his many conditions with others, mostly to protect us, but he does everything he can to see us through all the weather life has and will throw at us. He is my best friend. Aw, but no, being a best friend isn’t always pretty, but its just knowing there is that person that you just go with, and it feels familiar and like home. He is my home.

Speaking of home, physically we all live in an old home. Like 1892 old. Its frustrating as hell. I imagine hell to be a lot of terrible things, frustrating included…like a puzzle that has missing piece, but you don’t know that, so you are just constantly trying to finish the puzzle, but don’t know why you cannot. This is our house. We work super hard to take care of it, because that’s what you have to do with old houses, you have to take care of them. We are here in this house for the long haul because when it became ours, and ever since then, every project becomes 10 times more of a project. Want to replace that bathroom faucet because it doesn’t work properly…opps now you need to replace all the plumbing to it as well, because when you removed the faucet, disaster was exposed. If you want to take a sledge hammer to your income…buy an old home that hasn’t been completely renovated. So like I said, long haul because we are renovating a home, that needed and needs to be renovated, with 5 kids living in it at the same time. All this to say, I love where I live, I love my community, and on most days I really love my home. If I were to compare it or issue a metaphor, living in this home and renovating it is just like the book, “If you give a Mouse a Cookie.’ If you want to drywall the ceiling because the plaster is cracking, you will then find a mess of electrical wires never removed in a big jumbled mess, and then you will need to call the electrician. The electrician will come and tell you that for some reason the knob and tube in this ceiling was never disconnected like the rest of the home, and he needs to find the source. When the electrician gives you the estimate, you pass out…and so on and so forth. Fortunately, I love a good book, and this is a great one, as I can use it to easily explain many things in my life. For now, I will stick to using it to visualize my feelings on just the home,  for times sake.

We have 2.75 pets, well and a hermit crab that we are not quite clear on how he sustains life since every 3 weeks I ask them when was the last time he had fresh water…answer: 3 weeks earlier. However, the pets we feed and care for daily are as follows: we have a really old pug,  a cat that we adopted from the spca right after moving here, and then we have another cat who prior to us living here lived with our neighbors. As I type this, he is asleep on the desk I am using, and I keep having to nudge a paw off the keyboard.  He is here a majority of his time and he pays his room and board with at least 2 dead mice on my front step daily.

This is what makes The Chestnut Home. A bit of a formal get to know us without really getting to know us, I’m sure a lot of that will follow. This could be used as a great form of reference for when things get weird, because they will.